Your Hands

Yesterday was my 3rd treatment of Cimzia. The Doc's office was decorated and festive for the holidays. Each IV pole had an ornament hanging from it and a large decorated tree was on display. It was a good change and helped brighten up the place a little bit. And even though I was in pain and hated that I had to be there, I was welcomed by the wonderful staff and reminded that Christmas only a few days away. The shots were painful and my legs are quite sore today. They usually bruise from the injections. I have not seen or felt any improvement with this treatment so far. Dr. Johnson said that the few other patients that are on Cimzia did not start feeling any improvement till after the 4th treatment. Unfortunately now my treatments are every four weeks, so it will be another month to a month and a half before there is a possibility of relief. I have had chronic widespread pain of my entire body for about 2 yrs and am now being treated for fibromyalgia. My back is still bothering me almost everyday, therefore during the Christmas holiday I will be doing physical therapy 3-4 times a week. Dr. Johnson wants me to try it out and see if it helps. And an MRI will probably follow to rule out a nerve or disc impairment. Rheumatoid arthritis does not effect the joints in the spine. As of right now there is no evidence on x-ray of Ankylosing Spondylitis (a chronic inflammatory disease of the spine) or Spondyloarthopathy (arthritis of the spine and inflammation of the attached tendons.) Spondyloarthopathy is a common form of arthritis in children. Dr. Johnson told me that since I have had terrible back problems since I was very young its quite possible that I do have this as well. So right now I have all the pain but nothing to show for it.

I am getting so tired. I don't even feel like myself anymore. I look in the mirror and don't recognize the person staring back. It is difficult for me to hold or play with all the little ones in my family. It crushes me to have to tell my nephew that I can't hold him. My skin is breaking out and my weight is fluctuating from both the medications and stress. My daily routines are even difficult now. I can no longer take a relatively warm shower, wear constrictive clothing, or even use a blanket for very long. As soon as the warm water hits my joints they flare, or when they are covered by clothing or a blanket I can feel the inflammation begin. Sometimes when I am trying to write or do homework my hands start flaring and I have to go stick them inside the freezer to help cool them down and stop the inflammation so I can continue to work. After my finals are over next week am hoping to get some much needed rest during the Christmas break. I won't survive the next semester of school if I continue on the road I am on now. So as of right now, the waiting game continues. And we continue to pray that this treatment works. As I was leaving yesterday Dr. Johnson looked at me and said, "Just hang in there." So I'm hanging.....

Today's song is Your Hands by JJ Heller. This song is beautiful and as you listen you will know why I choose it. It's simply but a direct reflection of the prayers spoken by me as well as so many others upon my behalf.

"I have unanswered prayers.

I have trouble I wish wasn't there.

I have asked a thousand ways that You take my pain away.

I am trying to understand how to walk this weary land.

Make straight the paths that crookedly lie.

Oh Lord before these feet of mine.

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands.

When my heart is breaking

I never leave Your hands.

When You walked upon the Earth

You healed the broken, lost, and hurt.

I know You hate to see me cry

One day You will set all things right.

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands.

When my heart is breaking

I never leave Your hands.

Your hands that shaped the world are holding me.

They hold me still.

When my world is shaking

Heaven stands.

When my heart is breaking

I never leave Your hands."

All Fall Down

A week ago today was my first dose of the new treatment Cimzia. The treatment was given in a series of two injections, one in each thigh. The medication itself is very thick, about the consistency of honey. In fact it is because the medication is so thick, that it must be given in two separate injections. So the needles were quite large and painful. Just imagine what it would feel like getting a shot of honey into the tissue of your thigh. That's what I felt. Not fun. Dr. Johnson said the side effects would be the same as I had experienced with the Remicade. He informed me of the highs and lows of this treatment. It has only been FDA approved for the treatment of rheumatoid arthritis since July '09. And currently Dr. Johnson only has a total of eight patients including me on the drug. Therefore its effectiveness is not guaranteed. If the Cimzia treatment is going to work Dr. Johnson said I should see results within the first two doses.

As far as my pain is concerned, it is barely tolerable at best. The pain in my back has gotten worse and I am scared that the spinal flares have become a new norm. It has started to limit my range of motion. I can not bend or twist at the waist without extreme discomfort. The flares in the rest of my body continue almost daily. I am desperate for pain relief. I can honestly say I have never felt so sick in my life. Every day is a struggle and most I would rather just stay in bed. But... I go on as I always have trying to make each day worth something.

Today's song is All Fall Down by a band named OneRepublic off their album Dreaming Out Loud. OneRepublic is another one of my current favorites and I can't wait to hear their newly released second album Waking Up. I chose this song because it speaks of the one thing that unites us all and that is we ALL fall down. Each and every one of us has our own wars to rage and crosses to bare. None of us are immune to personal struggle. Whether it be physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, or disease we all have our own battles. And each of us have our own way of fighting those battles. And in my opinion, who's to say whether or not our battle strategies will be effective. No one is entitled to knowing the end result but God himself. Because if we already knew the outcome of the war would we still fight?? At least you chose to pick up the sword. The words of this song also say,"whenever your world is crashing down that's where you'll find me." I believe that it is one of our greatest duties as a friend or family to be there when those that we love need us. I have my own little survival kit of family and close friends that I know without a shadow of doubt will be there and have been there for me when my world seemed to be crashing down. And if their world started crashing down I'd be right there beside them. We all struggle, that's what makes us human. And that's what unites us. None of us are without fault. It's what we do when our worlds begin to crumble that defines the kind of person we are. Isn't it ironic that as children we all spun around in circles and sang the song. Little did we know that it was a metaphor for the way things would one day be ....... Ashes, Ashes We ALL FALL DOWN.

"Step out the door and it feels like rain.

That's the sound on your window pain.

Take to the streets, but you can't ignore

That's the sound you're waiting for.

If ever your world starts crashing down,

Whenever your world starts crashing down,

Whenever your world starts crashing down,

That's where you'll find me.

God love your soul and your aching bones

Take a breath, take a step and meet me down below.

Everyone's the same our fingers to our toes.

We just can't get it right,

But we're on the road.

If ever your world starts crashing down,

Whenever your world starts crashing down,

Whenever your world starts crashing down,

That's where you'll find me.

Lost till you're found

Swim till you drown

Know that we all fall down.

Love till you hate

Strong till you break

Know that we all fall down.

All fall down, We all fall down

Lost till you're found

Swim till you drown

Know that we all fall down.

Love till you hate

Strong till you break

Know that we all fall down.

All fall down, We all fall down

All fall down, We all fall down."

I Am But He Is

I finally got approval for the Cimzia treatment after a month long fight with my health insurance company. And to make matters worse the insurance will only cover the treatment if it is administered in my rheumatologist office. So now I have to drive a hour and a half from the island to the Woodlands to get each injection treatment. I am very anxious about starting the new drug. After having so many failed treatments it's hard to be optimistic. But I try to be strong and have faith if not for myself then for my family. My first treatment will be this Thursday the 12th at 9a.m. I will write again after the treatment for an update.

Even from a young age writing has always been an outlet for me. It is another creative way to express what's on the inside of me. And I would like to think that I am some what good at it. I use to write quite a bit actually and have had some of my works printed in school literature magazines and even been recognized on the college level for the ability to put my creativity into words and on paper. My parents have always loved to read my writings and I loved to write for them. In fact my Mom has kept several of my old works. And she carries them with her folded up in her purse as a reminder of me. A reminder of my struggles, triumphs, and emotions. A reminder to whisper a prayer up to heaven on my behalf. And a reminder of the love and faithfulness God so willingly gives. So today I am breaking my blog rule. I made the rules so I can break them. Today I am sharing with you a piece of me, a poem that I wrote my sophomore year of high school 2003. My poem is a simile of my experiences with pain and with God. Hope you enjoy.

I Am But He Is

My disease is a thunderstorm

a down pour of hardship.

The pain is a broken glass

so sharp, so shattering.

My days are staircases,

taking each day step by step.

My night is a basement

so dark, so quiet, so alone.

BUT

God is the wind

I can't see Him, but I can feel Him.

He is the glue

that puts my broken pieces back together again.

The stair rail is my faith,

my support.

My God is my light,

pushing back the darkness

so that my eyes will be open to see,

My Future, My Destiny.

Shadowfeet

One of my fears has come true. I called in to Dr. Johnson's office yesterday to give him a report on my progress since the third and increased dose of Remicade. And after three doses my body has not responded to the drug and in fact the severity of my rheumatoid arthritis has rapidly increased. Dr. Johnson has labeled the treatment a failure.

The past two weeks have been very difficult for me with a peak this past weekend. I acquired a bad cold last Monday which initiated an immune response and joint flare throughout my entire body. And to make things worse a cold front brought in by a few days of rain escalated the flare and I found myself unable to get out of bed without assistance. I could only walk a short distance with the help of a cane. And I was trapped on the first floor of my home because I could not climb up the stairs to my bedroom nor get down the stairs to get out of the house. No medication I took neither prescription or over the counter even took the edge off the pain I was experiencing. When I called my parents on Friday night they rushed from Houston to Galveston to take care of me. I have the greatest parents in the world and I am eternally in their debt for all they have done and continue to do for me. My cold has subsided with only a little congestion lingering. I wish I could say the same for the pain.

My constant everyday pain has also increased. I have come accustom to constant pain I feel on a daily bases. But this constant pain is becoming intolerable. It is exhausting. I have total body flares almost every night making a restful night sleep impossible. Dr. Johnson has decided on a plan B. The next treatment phase will be a drug called Cimzia. Cimzia was created for the treatment of another autoimmune inflammatory disease called Crohn's disease. Although I don't have Crohn's, Cimzia has shown some promise for the treatment of RA in patients who have not responded to the conventional RA treatments. Cimzia is an injectable drug I will have to give myself. I will take the first dose, followed by another 2 weeks later, then another 4 weeks later, and then every 4 weeks after that. All things considering how my body reacts to the drug's benefits and side effects. The side effects are that of any other immunosuppressant therapy treatment with an emphasis on an increased risk for infection. But there are some other vary serious side effects to this drug concerning the heart, nervous system, problems related to the blood and immune systems. And my risk for developing cancer, lymphoma namely, is about 10 fold compared to that of a healthy person. And this risk is increased by the therapies that suppress my body's ability to fight against the cancer cells that naturally dwell within all of us. As you can see by these statements above, my fears are relevant and real.

Today's song is Shadowfeet by Brooke Fraser. This song directly reflects the my current situation. Shadowfeet speaks of the change that occurs within a person when facing a difficult time or circumstance. Its seems like lately that my world is being pulled out from under me. The RA has now affected every possible area of my life and its discouraging. But when I listen to this song I have this image in my mind of me standing in mid air with my hands raised towards God, and underneath me on the distant ground is all my pain, struggles, hopelessness and fear. Although the treatment was a failure, I am not a failure. God has the power to make all things new. And even though my world is falling out from under me; still I will be found in You, I'M STILL STANDING.

"Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet

Towards home, a land that I've never seen.

I am changing: less and less asleep

Made of different stuff than when I began.

I've sensed it all along

Fast approaching is the day...

When the world is falling out from under me

I'll be found in You, still standing.

And when the sky roles up and mountains fall on their knees

When time and space are through

I'll be found in You.

There's distractions buzzing in my head

Saying 'In the shadows it's easier to stay.'

But I've heard rumors of true reality

That whispers of a well-lit way.

You make all things new.

You make ALL things new.

When the world is falling out from under me

I'll be found in You, still standing.

Every fear and accusation under my feet

When time and space are through

I'll be found in You."

Falling Slowly

Today was Remicade infusion treatment #3. Last night I drove down to Houston and stayed at my parent's house in preparation for the treatment. I made the decision to not switch doctors after I moved to Galveston. I have built a relationship with my doctors in Houston and feel comfortable there. I have the best team of doctors and I am grateful for them. I woke up feeling uneasy and in pain as usual. The past few weeks for me have been difficult to say the least. The severity of my pain is increasing steadily by the day. My rheumatologists, Dr. Johnson put me on Prednisone a corticol steroid as a quick fix for pain. I hate steroids. In my opinion they do more harm than good. They make me feel tired, moody, and weak. Although the Prednisone does help alleviate pain, I'd rather the pain then dealing with the side effects. I have been taking the Prednisone for the past 5 days and have been feeling awful. Dr. Johnson also gave me a new prescription for a pain killer Darvocet. I am now relying on the Darvocet most nights for pain relief and a medically induced sleep. That is the only kind of sleep I have been getting lately.

The infusion today was the most difficult one thus far. My body has been non-responsive to the past treatments. Dr. Johnson suspected this might happen because prior to my remission, I have previously been on the drug. So today I got an increased dose. Getting the IV in place today was a bit of a challenge. My veins are small and weak due to the RA and the drugs. 2 IV sticks, a heating pad, 2 nurses and about 30 minutes later I was finally able to start the infusion. I again welcomed the Benadryl induced sleep, covered up with a blanket, and closed my eyes to rest. I immediately started to feel the effects of the increase dose almost as if my energy and strength was leaking out like a deflating ballon. After the infusion Dr. Johnson and I talked about the possibility that the Remicade may not work and we will have to try a different treatment. I am suppose to call into the office on Monday and let him know how I am feeling. If there is not significant improvement in my pain level, then it will be time to explore other options. He also prescribed a NSAID non steroidal anti-inflammatory drug called Etodolac to help with the everyday flares and inflammation. And I got the ok to stop taking the Prednisone !!

Today's song is Falling Slowly by Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova from one of my favorite movies ONCE. Today as I am typing I can barely hold my head up. I am weak and in pain. It's moments like this that I realize the reality of my situation and wonder where I will find the courage and strength to continue. I chose Falling Slowly because the lyrics speak of hope. It speaks of the daily choice I must make to get out of bed and keep going. Because for me failure is not an option. Giving up is not an option. So I raise my hopeful voice because I have made the choice and I will make it through each day.

"I don't know you, but I want you all the more for that.

Words fall through me and always fool me and I can't react.

Games that never amount to more than they're meant will play themselves out.

Take this sinking boat and point it home

We've still got time.

Raise your hopeful voice

You have a choice

You'll make it now.

Falling slowly, eyes that know me and I can't go back.

Moods that take me and erase me and I paint it black.

You have suffered enough and warred with yourself

It's time that you won.

Take this sinking boat and point it home.

We've still got time.

Raise your hopeful voice

You have a choice.

You've made it now.

Falling slowly sing your melody

And I'll sing along."

I Don't Need No Doctor

Life as I have known it for 22yrs has changed. The change has been good. Big but good. I have now settled into my new home here on Tiki Island in Galveston. My mom would tell you it's not my "new" home, just my "other" home. I am so very grateful to my Aunt Connie & Uncle Fred for opening their home to me. The adjustment to a new life living on my own and going to a new university will be different and difficult. But all things in due time. I have enjoyed the past few days of studying on the upper deck overlooking the water. There is a curtain relief of stress that I feel here. Although I am going through a major health battle and about to enter into a very tough nursing program, as I walk outside I can feel the breeze, hear the birds sing and fish jump up from the water. I look out across the water and I feel like I can take a deep breath again. Not that the comfort of home in Houston with my parents is any better or worse. It's just different. I miss my parents already. It's weird not hearing the constant background noise of a full house that you don't even realize exists until it's gone. I miss the never ending joy and laughter I have at home with my Mom & Dad as well as there embrace. I talk to them daily, several times a day. It's an adjustment for all of us.

UTMB so far...... So, this past Fri, Sat, Mon & Tue was orientation. Full days on average 8 hours long. Lots and lots of talking. I felt like I was inside an episode of the Peanuts cartoon sitting alongside Charlie Brown as the teacher says, "wha wha wha wha wha wha." Some of it was informative and fun. But I am glad it's over. I met a bunch of new people. Everyone is very nice. All of the Sr. student ambassadors have been a great source of info and help to all of the incoming class. I think I have learned more from conversations with them than any of the formal meetings during orientation. And its been comforting to see a friendly face on campus. The UTMB campus itself is still a bit confusing to me. I am slowly finding my way around. A big portion is still under construction due to rebuilding after hurricane ike. And I was surprised to find out... I was awarded a $1000 academic scholarship. Every little bit helps !! God is good.

Every staff member and student of the School of Nursing says that the first semester is the hardest. Adjusting to a new university, environment, and study and testing styles are at the top of the list of concerns. Added to the stress of all the adjustment that my new classmates and I are experiencing, my list includes dealing with the Rheumatoid Arthritis. I do not doubt myself and my abilities to complete the nursing program or becoming a future nurse. But I am worried about finding a balance between school, life, and dealing with the RA including my treatment schedule for the Remicade infusions. I am sure that things will all work out, but the unknown is what worries me. My life is less than normal and my experiences here at UTMB will be quit different than my classmates'. But I will adjust as I always have. And I will be better for it. I believe I have a level of empathy, compassion and life experiences to share with future patients that is unlike anyone else. Not that I am smarter or have the upper hand. I have just endured a very different life than most.

Today's song is I Don't Need No Doctor by John Mayer. A bit of a dedication to all my new classmates at UTMB school of nursing and the journey that is set before us. Just a fun song to lighten the stress and celebrate our accomplishments that have gotten us this far.

"I don't need no doctor

'Cause I know what's ailing me.

I don't need no doctor

'Cause I know what's ailing me.

I've been too long away from my baby

and I'm coming down with a misery.

I don't need no doctor

For my prescription to be filled.

I don't need no doctor

For my prescription to be filled.

Only my baby's arms

Could ever take away this chill.

Now the doctor says I need rest

For I need her tenderness.

He put me on the critical list

When all I need is her sweet kiss.

He gave me a medicated lotion

But it didn't soothe my emotion.

I don't need no doctor

For my hope to live is gone.

I don't need no doctor

For my hope to live is gone.

All I need is my baby, please.

Won't you please just come on home?"

Wrap Me in Your Arms

Round two of treatment is over. Everything went as planned with no major complications. The nurse had to stick me twice to get the IV in this time. So both hands are bruised and a little soar today. The infusion center, although filled with wonderful staff and doctors, can be a very heavy place to be. When I walk in, it's like a can spiritually and physically feel the weight of my suffering and the sufferings of those around me. It's hard to open that door because the air of the reality of my situation abruptly fills my lungs as if I was high in altitude. I welcomed the Benadryl induced sleep during the treatment and did the best I could to rest and keep my mind on all the positives in my life right now.

The positives...I daydreamed about my up coming move and transition to Galveston and attending UTMB in less than a month. I am excited and carry myself with a sense of pride and accomplishment that I haven't felt in a long time. I recently heard the statistics of the incoming fall class at UTMB and I am one of only seventy students chosen from over twelve hundred applicants ! Which means I am a pretty smart cookie (as my mom would say). And my pathophysiology class is over and I got an A. Thank God its over !!

Dr. Randall spoke with me after the treatment and was not surprised that I had not gotten any benefit from the first treatment. Because I have previously been on this drug, its possible that my body has built up antibodies to it. He is hopeful that this second round will start working and I will see change. Looking ahead, if need be Dr. Randall said that he could increase the dosage of the next treatment. He also gave me medication to help me sleep. The pain is the worst at night. The night ticks, as I call them, have returned. My body slightly twitches all over because of the level of pain and an inability to relax. The ticks are not painful, just more of an annoyance making it that much more difficult to sleep.

Today's song is Wrap Me in Your Arms written by Michael Gungor and Freddy Rodriguez featured on Freddy's album Light in the Darkness. The night before my treatment I was lying in bed listening to this song on my iPod. And I found myself weeping before God, as I had finally reached a breaking point. My head rested on a pillow dampened by salty tears of desperation. Not because I have given up or lost all hope. But because the best place I can ever be, is completely vulnerable and dependent on God. At a time when the physical act of some one's arms wrapped around me would most likely be painful, I could feel the arms of the Almighty God wrapped around me with the comfort and love that could only come from Him. And in the arms of God is where exactly where I belong. It was in that moment that I realized that it's ok to be vulnerable. And that I no longer have to be ashamed or embarrassed by my pain. I am not afraid of letting my struggle be known. Because that doesn't make me any less of a person or label me as weak. In fact, it does just the opposite and allows God to work through me when I am completely dependent. So here I am. Vulnerable before God, others and myself without shame.

"There is a God who loves me

Who wraps me in his arms.

That is the place where my life is changed, O God

And that's where I belong.

Take me to that place Lord, To that secret place Lord

Where I can be with You

And You can make me like You

Wrap me in Your arms, Wrap me in Your arms

WRAP ME IN YOUR ARMS "

Miracle Drug

I had the first treatment of Remicade yesterday. Overall it went well, as well as can be expected. The nurses and staff at the infusion center are very lovely people and made my infusion as comfortable as possible. The nurse got the IV in place the first try !! Which is a miracle in itself. My poor veins don't tolerate needles as well anymore. Before the Remicade was infused, I was given a 50ml bag of Benadryl through the IV to suppress any allergic reactions that I might have to the Remicade. After the Benadryl bag was done, the Remicade drip was started. For my first infusion, the Remicade was set to drip over a 3 hour period just to make sure my body could handle the drug. My body tolerated the drug without any major complication. My blood pressure dropped a little bit below the normal range, but my blood pressure is naturally low so it wasn't to much of a concern. As far as the side effects, I am feeling very weak and tired today and have a bad head ache. No nausea or vomiting, just more of a loss of appetite owing to the fatigue.

While the Remicade was infusing I kicked back in the rocking chair and cuddled up with a blanket. It's always cold in doctors' offices. My mom accompanied me to the treatment and rocked along side me with a quiet strength as she whispered prayers to God upon my behalf. I read a book until the Benadryl made my eyes cross and I couldn't focus. After that, I just listened to music on my ipod and closed my eyes to rest.

Dr. Randall came in to visit me during the infusion and gave me some basic instructions to keep tract of all symptoms and side effects I am feeling. He told me that the Remicade will start to show some signs of relief, but he said that the relief will be brief and wear out before the next infusion in 2 weeks. Dr. Randall encouraged me that the drug will work but we just have to give it time. So for now we wait.

Today's song is Miracle Drug by U2. For obvious reasons I chose this song. Deep down inside I pray that one day science and research will find a cure of RA. But for now, I put my hope in the medicines that are available.

"Of science and the human heart

There is no limit

There is no failure here sweetheart

Just when you quit...

I am you and you are mine

Love makes no sense of space

And time...will disappear

Love and logic keep us clear

Reason is on our side, love...

The songs are in your eyes

I see them when you smile

I've had enough of romantic love

I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up

For a miracle, a miracle drug, a miracle drug

God I need your help tonight

Beneath the noise

Below the din

I hear your voice

It's whispering

In science and in medicine

"I was a stranger

You took me in"

The songs are in your eyes

I see them when you smile

I've had enough of romantic love

Yeah, I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up

For a miracle, miracle drug"

Hit the Road Jack

Finally ! The 3 week long health insurance battle is over (for the time being). The Remicade treatments have been approved. My first infusion will be this Thursday the 23rd at 2 p.m. The treatments are given in the infusion center which is located in my Rheumatologist office at Sadler Clinic in the Woodlands. It's a big comfort to me that Dr. Randall will always be right there during the treatments just in case something were to happen.

So today I have sprung into pre-treatment mode. I went to Target and bought lots of Clorox wipes, Lysol, antibacterial soaps, and hand sanitizer. Its important that germs are kept to a minimum after treatments. My immune system will be suppressed and my body will be susceptible to viral and bacterial infections. I also stocked up on tooth brushes and purchased new bath stuff. Germs live EVERYWHERE ! So at the slightest sniffle or cough everything must be thrown away and exchanged for new. The pantry is now full of different soups and Gatorade. With side effects unknown and varying with each patient, I am prepared for the worst. But hopefully the nausea and fatigue won't last more than a few days after treatment.

Today's song is dedicated to all the germs out there. "Germs ya betta watch your back cuz I'm comin' for ya with Lysol in both hands !!" So take Mr. Ray Charles' advice and.......

"Hit the road Jack

And don't cha come back

No more, no more, no more, no more.

Hit the road Jack

And don't cha come back no more!!"

Fighter

For the past 3 years I have been blessed by God that the Rheumatoid Arthritis has been in a remission state. During the past few years of remission I was able to maintain symptoms and pain of the RA with herbal supplements and an all organic diet. The remission stirred hope inside my spirit. I felt that maybe my life wouldn't just be filled with bad days. I started to dream of my future and all the things I wanted to accomplish and I gained confidence that I would see those dreams come to past. I was finally able to smile and laugh. I never once took a day in remission for granted because in the back of my mind I knew that someday it would end.

In July of 08 both of my hands started showing signs of carpel tunnel and before you know it I was lying on a operating table having hand surgery. The first surgery in July 08 and the second in Feb 09. Unlike others who bounce back from carpel tunnel surgery within a few weeks, the surgeries left me unable to move without severe pain. I found myself on a good day walking with a cane. The immune response of the RA had started again and I knew that the remission was coming to an end. It was three months before I regained full use of each hand after surgery. But I can finally feel all ten fingers again. What a blessing.

Since the hand surgeries my body has not been the same. To confirm my suspicions last week I had an appointment with my Rheumatologist. And I am now facing the reality that the Rheumatoid Arthritis is no longer in remission. Now in full active disease, the pain is worsening by the day and fatigue has set in. Frustration is now a big part of my day as I am loosing the ability to do normal everyday tasks. And I would be lying if I said that it hasn't taken a toll on my spirit and the hope I had once found.

The doctors have determined that the best course of treatment for me at this point is to start back on a biologic infusion drug called Remicade. It is administered through IV infusion over a 3 hour period. The drug is harsh and has lots of scary side effect much like a chemo therapy. But this is where I'm at and the treatment is necessary to stop the constant inflammation, pain and the possible destruction of my joints.

So now its time to fight. Its time to find an inner strength that only God himself can give. The boxing gloves are on and the bell has sounded. With God going before me and with my family and friends at my side I will fight. I will fight and when I can no longer fight, God and those by my side will uphold me, protect me like a shield and throw a few punches on my behalf...... "DING" round one has begun.

Today's song is Fighter by The Red Airplanes. This song has become like an anthem to me over the past few months.

"There's a fighter in me, there's a fighter in me.

No worries or problems holding on to me, there's a fighter in me.

There's a fighter in you, there's a fighter in you.

Look to your inside you'll know what to do, there's a fighter in you.

There's a fighter in me, there's a fighter in me.

No worries or problems holding on to me

Sickness, disease, darkness, strong holds must flee

I've thrown out my limits you better believe.

There's a fighter in me

There's a fighter in ME."

You Don't Know Me

Hello blogging world.

I should probably start out by introducing myself. So.. HI ! My name is Courtney. I am 22 yrs old and will be attending the University of Texas Medical Branch in Galveston in the fall to complete my Bachelor's of Science in Nursing. I am also studying Spanish and love the hispanic culture, its beautiful places and its people. (Let that be the disclaimer for all the Spanish I use in my blogs.) I also serve as an ambassador for the Children's Foundation and it's orphanage La Casa Hogar Los Angelitos in Manzanillo, Mexico.

I decided to start blogging so that I could expose a side of me that most never see. At the age of 15 I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA). RA is an autoimmune disease in which the body's own immune system destroys the joints because of a failure to recognize self from non-self or in simpler terms the good from the bad. This failure of recognition leads to destruction of the synovium linning, cartilage, and bone of the joints. The disease manifests itself in symptoms of inflammation, swelling, redness, heat, stiffness, loss of function, and most of all...PAIN. When I tell people of my disease the typical response is, "but you are to young to have arthritis ?!?" The most misunderstood concept of RA is that it is not an "old person" disease and is not related to the inevitable wear on the body due to time and use. RA is an autoimmune disease that can effect people of all ages.

Enough with the medical journal.... Starting this blog has given me an outlet to share my story. To give others a glimpse of what life is like through my eyes or better yet my body. To this day so many others with RA suffer in silence in a world where the only thing that is curtain is pain.

If you know the least bit about me, you know that music is a big part of my life. Always has been and forever will be. I am a singer and musician. I love almost all genres, some more than others. To me, music has the ability to portray an emotion from within that can not be expressed through any other form or outlet. Music has the power to touch, love, hurt, heal, comfort, empower, relate, uplift, or enlighten. The strike of one note is all it takes. I often get teased by family and friends for my ability to remember songs and lyrics and to recall those songs when a curtain word is said or when in a particular place. So I thought I would turn that ability into the theme for my blog. So every blog will be titled and inspired by a song that portrays my thoughts, emotions, and events of the day..... This is me, breaking the silence of suffering and replacing it with the sound of music.

I thought I would start off my first blog with one of my favorite artist Harry Connick Jr. and the song You Don't Know Me. Why this song ??....Well simply because you don't know me, not yet at least.

"You give your hand to me,

Then you said hello,

I can hardly speak,

My heart is beating so.

And anyone can tell

You think you know me well

But you don't know me."