I Don't Need No Doctor

Life as I have known it for 22yrs has changed. The change has been good. Big but good. I have now settled into my new home here on Tiki Island in Galveston. My mom would tell you it's not my "new" home, just my "other" home. I am so very grateful to my Aunt Connie & Uncle Fred for opening their home to me. The adjustment to a new life living on my own and going to a new university will be different and difficult. But all things in due time. I have enjoyed the past few days of studying on the upper deck overlooking the water. There is a curtain relief of stress that I feel here. Although I am going through a major health battle and about to enter into a very tough nursing program, as I walk outside I can feel the breeze, hear the birds sing and fish jump up from the water. I look out across the water and I feel like I can take a deep breath again. Not that the comfort of home in Houston with my parents is any better or worse. It's just different. I miss my parents already. It's weird not hearing the constant background noise of a full house that you don't even realize exists until it's gone. I miss the never ending joy and laughter I have at home with my Mom & Dad as well as there embrace. I talk to them daily, several times a day. It's an adjustment for all of us.

UTMB so far...... So, this past Fri, Sat, Mon & Tue was orientation. Full days on average 8 hours long. Lots and lots of talking. I felt like I was inside an episode of the Peanuts cartoon sitting alongside Charlie Brown as the teacher says, "wha wha wha wha wha wha." Some of it was informative and fun. But I am glad it's over. I met a bunch of new people. Everyone is very nice. All of the Sr. student ambassadors have been a great source of info and help to all of the incoming class. I think I have learned more from conversations with them than any of the formal meetings during orientation. And its been comforting to see a friendly face on campus. The UTMB campus itself is still a bit confusing to me. I am slowly finding my way around. A big portion is still under construction due to rebuilding after hurricane ike. And I was surprised to find out... I was awarded a $1000 academic scholarship. Every little bit helps !! God is good.

Every staff member and student of the School of Nursing says that the first semester is the hardest. Adjusting to a new university, environment, and study and testing styles are at the top of the list of concerns. Added to the stress of all the adjustment that my new classmates and I are experiencing, my list includes dealing with the Rheumatoid Arthritis. I do not doubt myself and my abilities to complete the nursing program or becoming a future nurse. But I am worried about finding a balance between school, life, and dealing with the RA including my treatment schedule for the Remicade infusions. I am sure that things will all work out, but the unknown is what worries me. My life is less than normal and my experiences here at UTMB will be quit different than my classmates'. But I will adjust as I always have. And I will be better for it. I believe I have a level of empathy, compassion and life experiences to share with future patients that is unlike anyone else. Not that I am smarter or have the upper hand. I have just endured a very different life than most.

Today's song is I Don't Need No Doctor by John Mayer. A bit of a dedication to all my new classmates at UTMB school of nursing and the journey that is set before us. Just a fun song to lighten the stress and celebrate our accomplishments that have gotten us this far.

"I don't need no doctor

'Cause I know what's ailing me.

I don't need no doctor

'Cause I know what's ailing me.

I've been too long away from my baby

and I'm coming down with a misery.

I don't need no doctor

For my prescription to be filled.

I don't need no doctor

For my prescription to be filled.

Only my baby's arms

Could ever take away this chill.

Now the doctor says I need rest

For I need her tenderness.

He put me on the critical list

When all I need is her sweet kiss.

He gave me a medicated lotion

But it didn't soothe my emotion.

I don't need no doctor

For my hope to live is gone.

I don't need no doctor

For my hope to live is gone.

All I need is my baby, please.

Won't you please just come on home?"

Wrap Me in Your Arms

Round two of treatment is over. Everything went as planned with no major complications. The nurse had to stick me twice to get the IV in this time. So both hands are bruised and a little soar today. The infusion center, although filled with wonderful staff and doctors, can be a very heavy place to be. When I walk in, it's like a can spiritually and physically feel the weight of my suffering and the sufferings of those around me. It's hard to open that door because the air of the reality of my situation abruptly fills my lungs as if I was high in altitude. I welcomed the Benadryl induced sleep during the treatment and did the best I could to rest and keep my mind on all the positives in my life right now.

The positives...I daydreamed about my up coming move and transition to Galveston and attending UTMB in less than a month. I am excited and carry myself with a sense of pride and accomplishment that I haven't felt in a long time. I recently heard the statistics of the incoming fall class at UTMB and I am one of only seventy students chosen from over twelve hundred applicants ! Which means I am a pretty smart cookie (as my mom would say). And my pathophysiology class is over and I got an A. Thank God its over !!

Dr. Randall spoke with me after the treatment and was not surprised that I had not gotten any benefit from the first treatment. Because I have previously been on this drug, its possible that my body has built up antibodies to it. He is hopeful that this second round will start working and I will see change. Looking ahead, if need be Dr. Randall said that he could increase the dosage of the next treatment. He also gave me medication to help me sleep. The pain is the worst at night. The night ticks, as I call them, have returned. My body slightly twitches all over because of the level of pain and an inability to relax. The ticks are not painful, just more of an annoyance making it that much more difficult to sleep.

Today's song is Wrap Me in Your Arms written by Michael Gungor and Freddy Rodriguez featured on Freddy's album Light in the Darkness. The night before my treatment I was lying in bed listening to this song on my iPod. And I found myself weeping before God, as I had finally reached a breaking point. My head rested on a pillow dampened by salty tears of desperation. Not because I have given up or lost all hope. But because the best place I can ever be, is completely vulnerable and dependent on God. At a time when the physical act of some one's arms wrapped around me would most likely be painful, I could feel the arms of the Almighty God wrapped around me with the comfort and love that could only come from Him. And in the arms of God is where exactly where I belong. It was in that moment that I realized that it's ok to be vulnerable. And that I no longer have to be ashamed or embarrassed by my pain. I am not afraid of letting my struggle be known. Because that doesn't make me any less of a person or label me as weak. In fact, it does just the opposite and allows God to work through me when I am completely dependent. So here I am. Vulnerable before God, others and myself without shame.

"There is a God who loves me

Who wraps me in his arms.

That is the place where my life is changed, O God

And that's where I belong.

Take me to that place Lord, To that secret place Lord

Where I can be with You

And You can make me like You

Wrap me in Your arms, Wrap me in Your arms

WRAP ME IN YOUR ARMS "