Paradise

      Have you ever found yourself in a stressful or painful situation and had someone tell you, "Close your eyes and think of something peaceful or soothing. Think of your favorite place to be and imagine yourself there."  In medicine we call this guided imagery.  Its the process of taking yourself out of the present and guiding your thoughts to a more pleasant state of mind.  We use this practice of guided imagery in the health care setting as an alternative form of pain management.  It is thought to calm the mind and distract the person from the current pain they are experience.  It can also be used as a distraction for those dealing with addiction or mental illness.  The mind is a wondrous thing.  And quit mysterious if you ask me.

      You may wonder why I bring the topic of guided imagery up.  The reason I speak of this is because at times when I am in a great deal of pain, I wish I was anywhere but in the present.  And I try to imagine myself somewhere else.  A place where no pain is felt and all I feel is joy and peace deep into my soul.  The place I choose to imagine would be atop of a mountain side.  It would be chilly and the wind would blow my hair and enter my lungs with ease.  The air would be crisp and smell fresh like it had just rained.  The only sounds I would hear are the wind passing swiftly by and a melody of all creation as it resonates and echoes. The brushing of the tree branches back and forth, the sound of the stream as its moves along by the slow and steady current. Birds would be singing in the distance and I could feel the warmth of the sun shine upon my face.  I would look down over the edge to take in the majestic view from above.  I would look right and left to survey all the beauty surrounding me.  I would lye down on the ground staring at the sky inhaling and exhaling slowly, deeply.  I would be above it all. Above all the troubles of life. Above the pain, sorrow, pressure of society.  Nothing would be able to get to me or take away my peace. And with eyes closed and arms out stretched I would just feel.  Feel the wonder of all God created. O the wonder to simply feel.  To feel no pain. To move freely; to feel free.  To be free. This is my guided image.  The place I go when the present is too hard, too painful, and too imperfect.  Some day I will make it to a place such as I have described.  Some day I will make it to my paradise.

     This week's song is Paradise by Coldplay.  I feel like this song could be written about me.  The lyrics are so perfect.  When we are young children our minds are so vivid and our imagination endless.  And as we become older things change.  We are overwhelmed with life's stuff. Reality hits us and we see the imperfections of the place in which we live.  We have these expectations of what our lives should be like. And for most we come to the realization that those expectations are unreasonable. So I guess what I am trying to say is take time each day to guide your mind to a better place.  A place free from all your stuff.  For me its living with RA and escaping from the pain that I know too well.  Find your paradise in a dream and promise yourself to one day go there in reality.  Whether it be on a beach with the ocean and sunset as a back drop or on top of a mountain side.  Find it, go there and simply feel.  Just feel.

"When she was just a girl 
She expected the world 
But it flew away from her reach 
So she ran away in her sleep 
And dreamed of 
Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise 
Every time she closed her eyes 

When she was just a girl 
She expected the world 
But it flew away from her reach 
And the bullets catch in her teeth 
Life goes on, it gets so heavy 
The wheel breaks the butterfly 
Every tear a waterfall 
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes 
In the night the stormy night away she'd fly 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/c/coldplay/paradise_20980626.html ] 
And dreams of 
Para-para-paradise 
Para-para-paradise 
Para-para-paradise 
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh 
She'd dream of 
Para-para-paradise 
Para-para-paradise 
Para-para-paradise 

And so lying underneath those stormy skies 
She'd say, "oh, ohohohoh I know the sun must set to rise" 

This could be 
Para-para-paradise 
Para-para-paradise 
This could be 
Para-para-paradise 
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh 
This could be 
Para-para-paradise 
Para-para-paradise 
This could be 
Para-para-paradise 
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh-oh"

Be OK

     I can't believe its been this long since I have written anything.  Well maybe I can.  I have not felt that there has been an ounce of creativity in me for a while now. I always have something to write about, but lately no energy to do it.  So I apologize.
     Since I last blogged lots of stuff has been happening.  My job at TCH ended because I could no longer do my job due to physical demands of working in the ICU setting and on night shift.  I was devastated; felt like a failure. But I knew that I had to make a change or my nursing career would be short lived.  In December I was hired for a position at MD Anderson Cancer Center.  To be honest, I never thought I would work in oncology nursing but it was an available position and so I took it.  I am working on the Stem Cell Transplant unit.  I have been learning so much and have met some really great people. So, so far so good.
    Last night as I was lying in bed having a full body RA flare and a migraine when a level of frustration hit me that I knew had been fast approaching.  I was exhausted from a days work, disappointed that I yet again could barely walk up right, in pain of course, but mostly frustrated.  I was frustrated that my head was pounding and I was fatigued from a treatment that is suppose to make me feel better.  Frustrated that I was no longer in control of my body and needed help.  And frustrated that it was yet again another bad day. You know the kind of frustration that makes you want to throw something.....but wait, my arms hurt too bad to be throwing anything.  And in that moment, lying there in the dark with my body in just the right position to cause the least amount of pain and promote the most comfort, I knew there was only one thing that would help me with the way I have been feeling lately.  And that thing is to write. I knew right then I needed to let it out with words on a page, or screen for that matter.  A common term for a stress reliever is an "outlet", and it is clear to me now why this term applies.  For me, writing is my chance to finally exhale after holding my breath and pretending to be OK in front of others.  So I have set a goal to blog once a week.  Because I need to learn to exhale more often.  Lately all of my joints have been an issue. Mainly my hips. The pain is awful and constant. I have honestly lost count of how many treatments I have tried and failed in the last 3 years.  I recently started a new treatment called Orencia.  You may have seen the overly corny commercial on tv about it with the slogan, "O yes I can!" That commercial makes me want to say some not so nice words.  The Orencia treatment is by IV infusion. I had 3 loading doses all 2 weeks apart. And now I will get a treatment once a month.  This drug takes a particularly long time to reach a therapeutic level that is effective. So I am not expecting any results any time soon. My rheumy said it will be about 4 months before we know if it has started to work.  So again I wait.  I could lie and say that I am still in "keep hope alive" mode. But I am not.  I have my doubts; can you blame me.  Only time will tell and for the record waiting sucks !!
    To start off a new song playlist I have chosen Be OK by Ingrid Michaelson.  I find myself singing this little simple song in my head as I get up in the morning.  As if it were a prayer, a plee that I just might be OK today.  That maybe only a few joints will hurt and that the pain will be minimal. I sit up on the side of the bed, close my eyes and say Lord just help me to get through this day. Or sometimes it comes out more like Damn it please just let me be OK for once. I am still waiting, impatiently waiting for the day when everything will just be OK.

"I just want to be ok, be ok, be okI just want to be ok todayI just want to be ok, be ok, be okI just want to be ok today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel todayI just want to feel something todayI just want to feel today, feel today, feel todayI just want to feel something today
Open me up and you will seeI'm a gallery of broken heartsI'm beyond repair, let me beAnd give me back my broken parts
I just want to know today, know today, know todayI just want to know something todayI just want to know today, know today, know todayKnow that maybe I will be ok
Open me up and you will seeI'm a gallery of broken heartsI'm beyond repair, let me beAnd give me back my broken parts
Just give me back my piecesJust give them back to me pleaseJust give me back my piecesAnd let me hold my broken parts
I just want to be ok, be ok, be okI just want to be ok todayI just want to be ok, be ok, be okI just want to be ok today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel todayI just want to feel something todayI just want to know today, know today, know todayKnow that maybe I will be okKnow that maybe I will be okKnow that maybe I will be ok"