Her Diamonds

I have now completed 4 Cimzia treatments. The treatment went as usual....painful. I have yet to feel any relief or benefit from this new drug. Dr. Johnson said that it could take up to 90 days or 5 treatments before the medication starts to kick in. So for now, I wait. I usually pride myself on being a patient person but recently I have become impatient. Impatient with the treatments, impatient with the pain, myself, and impatient with God. I am exhausted and frustrated. I will be getting an MRI of my back soon. The pain in my back is ever-present and makes it impossible to function some days. Over the holiday break I went to physical therapy for my back. The therapist used heat, electrical stimulation, and massage to try to relieve some of the muscular pain. I was also taught a few exercises to strengthen my core and help stabilize my spine. Yet the exercises are painful on all my other joints. So its a game of sacrifice of which areas hurt the most and what pain is tolerable each day. Doctor Johnson is a wonderful doctor and truly cares about me. He listens to my concerns and speaks to me with honesty and hope. You don't find that often and I am so grateful for the him and his staff. As I left the office after my treatment the words "Just hang in there," were again spoken. I'm still hanging but now my fingers are starting to slip.

I ended my first semester of nursing school at UTMB. It was rough and stressful. But I made it through with 3 A's and 1 B. I also received a $1,500 scholarship for this spring semester. Considering all that I have been going through, I would have to say that is pretty darn good. And I am proud of myself. Today was my first day of the second semester. It's going to be really tough on me physically. And I am worried that if the treatments don't start to work I will not be able to keep up with the high demand of this nursing program. So for now I will take it a day at a time. That's the best I can do.

Today's song is Her Diamonds by Rob Thomas. I came across this song on the radio and immediately related to it. I always like to do a little background research on artist to find the meaning behind the lyrics. Rob Thomas wrote this song for his wife who suffers from an autoimmune disease just like mine. Her Diamonds tells the story of the pain and helplessness that someone feels when a loved one is plagued by an autoimmune disease. I have no doubt that in many cases it is harder to watch someone go through something terrible and not be able to help, then actually going through it yourself. I think about this every day and now more than ever. My disease doesn't just effect me; it effect those that love and care for me. Lately I feel guilty for having Rheumatoid Arthritis because I hate that my family worries. My physical pain has become my family's emotional pain and stress. Sometimes I wish I didn't have RA, not for my own convenience, but so that my family wouldn't have to feel helpless. I would give anything to take away the pain that this terrible disease has inadvertently cause them. The pain that I have caused them.

"'O what the hell,' she says, 'I just can't win for losing.' And then she lays back down.

There are so many times I don't know what I'm doing; Like I don't know now.

By the light of the moon she rubs her eyes,

she says, 'It's funny how the night can make you blind.'

And I can just imagine.

I don't know what I'm suppose to do, but if she feels bad then I do too.

So I let her be.

And she says, 'I can't take no more.'

Her tears like diamonds on the floor.

Her diamonds bring me down.

Cause I can't help her now.

She's down in it; she tried her best and now she can't win

Its hard to see them on the ground, her diamonds falling down.

She sits down and stares into the distance and takes all night.

I know I could break her concentration, but it don't feel right

By the light of the moon she rubs her eyes, sits down on the bed and starts to cry.

There's something less about her

I don't know what I am supposed to do so I sit down and I cry too

But don't let her see.

And she says, 'I can't take no more.'

Her tears like diamonds on the floor.

Her diamonds bring me down.

Cause I can't help her now.

She's down in it; she tried her best and now she can't win.

Its hard to see them on the ground, her diamonds falling down.

She shuts out the night and tries to close her eyes.

If she can find day light then she'll be alright.

Just not tonight.

And she says, 'I can't take no more.'

Her tears like diamonds on the floor.

Her diamonds bring me down.

Cause I can't help her now.

She's down in it; she tried her best and now she can't win.

Its hard to see them on the ground, her diamonds falling down."