Hands

I have just completed the 5th treatment of Cimzia. And well this is the final chance for it to start working. Dr. Johnson told me that unless this treatment starts to kick in and I see significant change that it too will be considered a failure. After I received the injections my legs bleed quit a bit more than usual. So much so that when Dr. Johnson walked into the room I had already raided the supply draw for gauze, towels, and alcohol wipes to stop the bleeding. Once we had gotten the bleeding under control, re-bandaged the injection sites, I washed all the blood off my hands and we began to discuss treatment options. I have exhausted almost every option. There are still a few biologic drugs that I can try and Dr. Johnson and I will sit down next month together and decide where we go from here. The Lyrica I've been taking for the fibromyalgia started severely breaking out my skin so we decided to switch it out with a new medicine called Cymbalta. It's an antidepressant but has been shown to help with the neuromuscular problems. But it doesn't come without its side effects like constant nausea. I already have a weak stomach so needless to say I was up most of the night feeling like my stomach was in my throat. Dr. Johnson said this should pass within a week as my body adjust to the medication. God I hope he's right. The Cimzia treatment has knocked me down this time. I am more tired and weak than usual. So this weekend I will rest as the waiting game continues.

I recently received the results from the MRIs taken of my spine. And the results aren't good. Since I was a young child I have had tremendous trouble with my back. And for the past 8 years or so I have a particular problem with one specific spot. And when I asked my mom or dad to rub my back they know exactly where it hurts. I have had countless x-rays of my spine that revealed no abnormalities. But with the MRI a problem was finally discovered. I have an impingement of my 7th thoracic vertebrae. In sort it means that my vertebrae is pushing against my spinal cord causing severe pain. The impingement can be caused by several things like a herniated disk, an injury or a number of different forms of arthritis that effect the spine. Most likely it is the later of these that has caused this problem. The impingement will have to be surgically corrected so I have an appointment with an orthopedic spine surgeon Dr. Ngu on Feb 11th. So I have added one more physician to my dream team. Dr. Ngu and Dr. Johnson will be working closely together to come up with the least invasive and most beneficial way to correct the impingement and minimize the pain. As many of you know after having a simple hand surgery the stress placed on my body due to the RA left me unable to walk for weeks without assistance. And 3 months of intense physical therapy was needed to regain the use of my hand. So as you can imagine I am terrified of the thought of having back surgery. I just know that the rehabilitation will probably be the fight of my life. But it seems like it may be my only option. We will know more after my appointment next week, of the extent of the impingement and what it will take to fix it. The arthritis has also started to effect the joints in my jaw. As a result I have had to change what and how I eat to accommodate this new discomfort. The pain also radiates giving me bad headaches. After eating dinner this past week I have had to ice my jaws to control the pain. So for now I will be eating a lot of yogurts, soups and sweet potatoes.

Today's song is Hands by Jewel. I like this song and it has a powerful message of inner strength and compassion for others. There is so much heart ache and worry in our world today and I feel that if we turned the words of this song into actions, that maybe we could change the circumstances that currently surround us. Although I find myself in an unimaginable circumstance that most will never fully understand or experience for themselves, I feel that my story can make a difference. You see when bad things happen to us we begin to immediately question the reasons behind it all and the whys fall easily from our tongue. And to this day I can't answer the why questions but I am convinced that it would be of no benefit to me to understand why. But I can tell you that while I am on this Earth, I won't be made useless or idle with despair. I will not pity myself and I refuse to give up hope and give in to complacency. I will do whatever I can, however I can to spread my story to whoever will listen. Not to glorify myself, but to become like the hand of God extended out towards those who are desperate for change. I will not suffer in vein. Instead I will get down on my knees and pray that my experiences will help someone else overcome theirs. Because in the end, only kindness matters. I only have one shot. And I only have these 2 hands. Rheumatoid Arthritis or not, I will never be broken.

"If I could tell the world just one thing,

It would be that we're all OK.

And not to worry cause worry is wasteful

And useless in times like these.

I won't be made useless.

I won't be idle with despair.

I will gather around my faith

For light does the darkness most fear.

My hands are small I know.

But they're not yours they are my own

But they're not yours they are my own

And I am never broken.

Poverty stole your golden shoes,

But it didn't steal your laughter.

And heartache came to visit me

But I knew it wasn't ever after.

We'll fight, not out of spite

For someone must stand for what is right.

Cause where there's a man who has no voice,

There ours shall go singing.

My hands are small I know.

But they're not yours they are my own

But they're not yours they are my own.

I am never broken.

In the end only kindness matters.

I will get down on my knees and I will pray.

I will get down on my knees and I will pray.

My hands are small I know.

But they're not yours they are my own

But they're not yours they are my own.

I am never broken.

We are God's eyes.

We are God's heart.

We are God's hands.