All Fall Down

A week ago today was my first dose of the new treatment Cimzia. The treatment was given in a series of two injections, one in each thigh. The medication itself is very thick, about the consistency of honey. In fact it is because the medication is so thick, that it must be given in two separate injections. So the needles were quite large and painful. Just imagine what it would feel like getting a shot of honey into the tissue of your thigh. That's what I felt. Not fun. Dr. Johnson said the side effects would be the same as I had experienced with the Remicade. He informed me of the highs and lows of this treatment. It has only been FDA approved for the treatment of rheumatoid arthritis since July '09. And currently Dr. Johnson only has a total of eight patients including me on the drug. Therefore its effectiveness is not guaranteed. If the Cimzia treatment is going to work Dr. Johnson said I should see results within the first two doses.

As far as my pain is concerned, it is barely tolerable at best. The pain in my back has gotten worse and I am scared that the spinal flares have become a new norm. It has started to limit my range of motion. I can not bend or twist at the waist without extreme discomfort. The flares in the rest of my body continue almost daily. I am desperate for pain relief. I can honestly say I have never felt so sick in my life. Every day is a struggle and most I would rather just stay in bed. But... I go on as I always have trying to make each day worth something.

Today's song is All Fall Down by a band named OneRepublic off their album Dreaming Out Loud. OneRepublic is another one of my current favorites and I can't wait to hear their newly released second album Waking Up. I chose this song because it speaks of the one thing that unites us all and that is we ALL fall down. Each and every one of us has our own wars to rage and crosses to bare. None of us are immune to personal struggle. Whether it be physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, or disease we all have our own battles. And each of us have our own way of fighting those battles. And in my opinion, who's to say whether or not our battle strategies will be effective. No one is entitled to knowing the end result but God himself. Because if we already knew the outcome of the war would we still fight?? At least you chose to pick up the sword. The words of this song also say,"whenever your world is crashing down that's where you'll find me." I believe that it is one of our greatest duties as a friend or family to be there when those that we love need us. I have my own little survival kit of family and close friends that I know without a shadow of doubt will be there and have been there for me when my world seemed to be crashing down. And if their world started crashing down I'd be right there beside them. We all struggle, that's what makes us human. And that's what unites us. None of us are without fault. It's what we do when our worlds begin to crumble that defines the kind of person we are. Isn't it ironic that as children we all spun around in circles and sang the song. Little did we know that it was a metaphor for the way things would one day be ....... Ashes, Ashes We ALL FALL DOWN.

"Step out the door and it feels like rain.

That's the sound on your window pain.

Take to the streets, but you can't ignore

That's the sound you're waiting for.

If ever your world starts crashing down,

Whenever your world starts crashing down,

Whenever your world starts crashing down,

That's where you'll find me.

God love your soul and your aching bones

Take a breath, take a step and meet me down below.

Everyone's the same our fingers to our toes.

We just can't get it right,

But we're on the road.

If ever your world starts crashing down,

Whenever your world starts crashing down,

Whenever your world starts crashing down,

That's where you'll find me.

Lost till you're found

Swim till you drown

Know that we all fall down.

Love till you hate

Strong till you break

Know that we all fall down.

All fall down, We all fall down

Lost till you're found

Swim till you drown

Know that we all fall down.

Love till you hate

Strong till you break

Know that we all fall down.

All fall down, We all fall down

All fall down, We all fall down."

I Am But He Is

I finally got approval for the Cimzia treatment after a month long fight with my health insurance company. And to make matters worse the insurance will only cover the treatment if it is administered in my rheumatologist office. So now I have to drive a hour and a half from the island to the Woodlands to get each injection treatment. I am very anxious about starting the new drug. After having so many failed treatments it's hard to be optimistic. But I try to be strong and have faith if not for myself then for my family. My first treatment will be this Thursday the 12th at 9a.m. I will write again after the treatment for an update.

Even from a young age writing has always been an outlet for me. It is another creative way to express what's on the inside of me. And I would like to think that I am some what good at it. I use to write quite a bit actually and have had some of my works printed in school literature magazines and even been recognized on the college level for the ability to put my creativity into words and on paper. My parents have always loved to read my writings and I loved to write for them. In fact my Mom has kept several of my old works. And she carries them with her folded up in her purse as a reminder of me. A reminder of my struggles, triumphs, and emotions. A reminder to whisper a prayer up to heaven on my behalf. And a reminder of the love and faithfulness God so willingly gives. So today I am breaking my blog rule. I made the rules so I can break them. Today I am sharing with you a piece of me, a poem that I wrote my sophomore year of high school 2003. My poem is a simile of my experiences with pain and with God. Hope you enjoy.

I Am But He Is

My disease is a thunderstorm

a down pour of hardship.

The pain is a broken glass

so sharp, so shattering.

My days are staircases,

taking each day step by step.

My night is a basement

so dark, so quiet, so alone.

BUT

God is the wind

I can't see Him, but I can feel Him.

He is the glue

that puts my broken pieces back together again.

The stair rail is my faith,

my support.

My God is my light,

pushing back the darkness

so that my eyes will be open to see,

My Future, My Destiny.