Struggle No More

I promised myself to write more....then life happens.  I apologies to the small audience that might be reading for lack of an update.  Quit a bit has transpired in the past months. Lots to discuss and reveal.  So here it goes.

Shall we start on a good note.  The end of 2012 I started the process of applying to graduate school.  I am pleased to announce that I have been accepted in to the Family Nurse Practitioner program at the University of Texas Medical Branch.  It is a part time program that will take 7 semesters to complete.  I am pacing myself as I will be working full time in the process.  I am trying to savor the last few months of freedom and will start in August.  As weird as it may sound, I am excited to get back to the books.  Earning a masters degree and becoming a nurse practitioner has been an educational and career goal of mine and I getting to take one more step closer to that goal.  Of course I hear the voices of negativity that constantly follow saying "its too much, you will never finish, the RA is too severe, you can't."  And maybe it's true, maybe its a long shot for someone like me,  but I will put up one hell of a fight trying.

My health is markedly worse.  The rheumatoid arthritis has not responded to any of the treatments my doctor has thrown at it.  I have never gotten an F academically ever, but my RA report card reads something very different.  I have failed every treatment to date.  Nothing is working.  And my options are becoming more slim.  For the past 6 months the pain is constant and in most joints.  Honestly I can't remember having a day without pain in the last year.  If I am not at work, I am at home resting to conserve energy and taking pain meds to easy the discomfort.  Running errands, cleaning, laundry, and shopping are difficult.  It's bad for a girl when shopping seems like a chore!  I thank God for the strength, willingness and grace of my parents who have helped me tremendously.  I am 26 and still live at home because I need and rely on the help of my parents on the days when the pain is rough and when I am unable to walk or care for myself.  It's been tough to have to let go of the control and realize that asking and accepting help is OK.  At the beginning of 2013 my body has taken another hit.  I started having terrible pain in my stomach.  No matter what meds I took, what I ate it hurt.  Somedays I still just don't eat much due to the irritation.  I've never had indigestion in my life....until now.  One day it was so bad it felt like chest pain and I was short of breath.  I went to see a GI doc and had a procedure to take a look a my stomach from the inside.  The results of that test were what I had expected.  The entire lining of my esophagus and stomach is severely inflamed and I have the beginnings of an ulcer.  Yet another health issue that is way beyond my years.  The cause of these stomach issues is the result of years of taking medications for the RA.  The side effects of all the meds and all the treatments are showing their face.  And they are ugly ones if you ask me.  The dilemma now is... I have to continue taking the meds that have done this to my stomach.  Its the only way to control the inflammation and pain. So now I am taking an extra 7 pills a day to help protect my stomach from all the other pills.  I have had to change my diet and eliminate some things I enjoy like spicy foods, dairy products, orange juice, all acidic foods.  I eat bland to avoid any added insult to my stomach.  But all I really want to have is an ice cold glass of milk before bed and a big bowl of tomato basil soup!! The GI doc said that it will just take time for the stomach meds to kick in and slowly heal that inner lining that is so inflamed.  "It will take time," is a phrase all too familiar.  Much longer and I might go all Captain Hook on all the clocks I come in contact with!!! I just saying...it could happen. 

Today's song is Struggle No More by Anthony Hamilton. Anthony Hamilton is lucky enough to know have 2 songs on my blog.  The first 4 words of the song say it all, "I'm sick and tired."  I am so sick and tired of the constant struggle.  Somedays I just can't or don't care to deal with it all.  I hide away in my home under a haze of Vicodin and Ambien.  Some days the pain is so severe that the minute I put my feet on the ground and stand up out of bed, I know its going to be a rough day.  In the same way I get out of bed, the pain flows.  It starts in my toes, creeps up to my swollen ankles through my weak legs into my sore knees and into my tender hip joints.  From my hips I feel the sharp sting in my SI joints as the pain shoots up my back like electricity. And finally to my tight stiff neck.  This is how every morning begins and every day ends much of the same but usually worse.  I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.  The first lyrics of this song ring honestly true for me. "Lately its been hard times. And they say when it rains it pours. Well its flooding at my door.  If it aint one thing its another, but I'm so glad we got each other.  Im so sick and tired of being stressed out Lord please help me with this mess I'm in."  Struggle No More is speaking more or less to the financial struggles he has endured.  But no matter the face of the monster we all struggle.  I love this song because its like an anthem. I can't help but lift up my arms sing loud and dance a lil bit when I hear.  To me it is like a plea for someone to intervene and lighten the load, share in the struggle if you will.  "Lift me up over the hurt and pain, deliver me from the rain. I don't wanna stress over stress no more. I don't wanna struggle no more."  Lately I feel that my words aren't reaching to the gates of heaven.  I find myself saying God can you even here me? Do you even care?! What is the purpose of all my struggle?? Will it ever end?? I feel as though God only provides silent in response.  If there ever was a phrase for my current situation it would be "I don't wanna STRUGGLE NO MORE!"

Lately It's been hard times

I'm talking about them
Financial ones aside
And they say when it rains it pours
Well it's flooded at my door
If it ain't one thang (one thang) it's another
And I'm so glad that we got each other
I'm so sick and tired of being stressed out
Lord please help me from this mess I'm in

Lord lift me over the hurt and pain
Deliver me from the rain
See I don't wanna stress over stress no more
I don't wanna strug-gle no more
So lift me up over the hurt and pain
Deliver me from the rain
See I don't wanna stress over stress no more
I don't wanna struggle no more

Every day and every night I pray
Lord help me find the way
To stay strong
And to keep my sanity
So I can provide for myself
And for my family
I'm so glad they believe in me cause the love it gives me energy 

And with out them I couldn't make it no way

So I'm a keep pressing on on and on

Lord lift me over the hurt and pain
Deliver me from the rain
See I don't wanna stress over stress no more
I don't wanna struggle no more
So lift me up over the hurt and pain
Deliver me from the rain
See I don't wanna stress over stress no more
I don't wanna struggle no more

Lord lift me over the hurt and pain
Deliver me from the rain
See I don't wanna stress over stress no more
I don't wanna struggle no more
So lift me up over the hurt and pain
Deliver me from the rain
See I don't wanna stress over stress no more
I don't wanna struggle no more

No more no more no more
No more no more no more
No more no more no more
No more no more no more